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Friday Funnies

Discussion in 'The Pub' started by kiffsta, Dec 2, 2010.

  1. Nat

    Nat Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Men Do Remember Anniversaries.
      A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
      He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
      "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night?
      The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asked solemnly.
      The wife touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
      The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
      "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
      The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
      "I remember that too" she replied softly.
      He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."  :laugh:
     
  2. PD186

    PD186 Member Premium Member

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    A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.


    One day a young man enters the store.

    Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!", the man says.

    The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.



    The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.



    When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.


    After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and decends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.


    After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"


    Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

    Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
    "Is it raisin for you too?"

    "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
     
  3. kiffsta

    kiffsta Administrator Staff Member Dirty Wheel Club Contributing Member

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    GOOD
    A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
    Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
    The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
    (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

    BETTER
    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
    radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included.
    Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
    The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

    BEST
    A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
    As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
    book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
    He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'
    There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
    He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

    She was laughing too hard to start her car
     
  4. Nat

    Nat Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his
    father:

    "Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and
    'realistically'?"

    His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son...go and ask your
    mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

    The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
    She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

    "OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

    The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she
    would too!"

    So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if
    he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

    The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

    "Well there you have it, son," said his dad.



    Theoretically, we could be sitting on three million quid.

    Realistically, we're living with two tarts and a poof!"
     
  5. kiffsta

    kiffsta Administrator Staff Member Dirty Wheel Club Contributing Member

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    Husband Down
    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths
    The husband picks up a case of beer  and puts it in their trolley.
    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
    'They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans he replies.
    'Put them back, we can't afford them'  demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.


    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
    'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
    Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tooheys and it's half the price.'
    He never knew what hit him.
     
  6. Slender

    Slender Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    ahahahahah now thats humour :hello2: :hello2: :hello2:
     
  7. kiffsta

    kiffsta Administrator Staff Member Dirty Wheel Club Contributing Member

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    Sports news just in
     
  8. PD186

    PD186 Member Premium Member

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  9. kiffsta

    kiffsta Administrator Staff Member Dirty Wheel Club Contributing Member

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    .
     

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  10. kiffsta

    kiffsta Administrator Staff Member Dirty Wheel Club Contributing Member

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    Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, " D o you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

    "Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

    So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

    Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

    "I'm a hit man," was the reply.

    "You're joking!" was the response.

    "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

    "Here are my tools."

    "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

    So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

    "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

    "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

    He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

    "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

    "Can you do two for me now?"

    "Sure, what do you want?"

    "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

    "Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

    The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

    "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

    "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
     
  11. Artemis

    Artemis Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    I FOUND HIM!
     

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  12. kiffsta

    kiffsta Administrator Staff Member Dirty Wheel Club Contributing Member

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    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

    Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
    John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked , kicked the door and screamed.
    Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

    The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said:

    "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

    "May I ask what the turkey did?"
     
  13. kiffsta

    kiffsta Administrator Staff Member Dirty Wheel Club Contributing Member

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    you can love your bike and then you can really love your bike.....
     

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  14. johnno

    johnno Active Member

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    Drink drive warning - timely pre- Christmas!
    I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and
    driving.

    As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with
    the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the
    years.

    A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at
    the local Tavern and had a few too many beers.
    Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
    something I've never done before, I took a bus home. Sure enough I
    passed an RBT but as it was a bus they waved it past.

    I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I
    have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!
     
  15. kiffsta

    kiffsta Administrator Staff Member Dirty Wheel Club Contributing Member

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    An experience of a German Tourist on his first visit to America

    Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida,
    finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.
    The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain
    him.

    They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
    on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing
    this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the
    gentleman.

    They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
    on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams,
    "No!" and walks quickly away.

    The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
    something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with
    him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola
    has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the
    madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a
    bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she
    screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

    Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all
    her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself
    for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could
    possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has
    made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a
    lesson.

    So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is
    available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic,
    giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

    Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
     
  16. Nat

    Nat Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. 
    When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....      :D
     
  17. PD186

    PD186 Member Premium Member

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    An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent
     
  18. kiffsta

    kiffsta Administrator Staff Member Dirty Wheel Club Contributing Member

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    A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

    "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

    "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

    "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

    The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook . . . what happened to your hand?"

    The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

    "What about that eye patch?"

    "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them poo'ed in my eye."

    "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird Poo."


    "It was my first day with the hook."
     
  19. PD186

    PD186 Member Premium Member

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    A pirate enters the men's room, steps up to a urinal, opens his fly and out pops a steering wheel.
    The guys at the other urinals can't help but notice.

    "Whoa," one says. "You have a steering wheel instead of a penis?!"
    "Aye," says the pirate. "It's drivin' me nuts!"
     
  20. kiffsta

    kiffsta Administrator Staff Member Dirty Wheel Club Contributing Member

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    my kind of humour ;D
     

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