These classified ads were actually placed in U.K. newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him
Don't mess with old people > > A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked > up four cans and took them to the check out counter. > The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you > cat food without proof that you have a cat. > A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof > that you are buying the cat food for your cat." > > The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to > the store. They sold her the cat food. > The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier > said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you > have a dog. > A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof > that you are buying the dog food for your dog." > > So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the > dog food. > > The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little > old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. > The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." > > The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that > would harm her. > So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. > She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh!t." > The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet > paper." > > Don't mess with old people.
> Choosing a wife. > > A man wanted to get married. > He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. > He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do > with the money. > > The first does a total makeover. > She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys > several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. > She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him > because she loves him so much. >> The man was impressed. > > The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. > She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, > and some expensive clothes. > As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the > money on him because she loves him so much.. > > Again, the man is impressed. > > The third invests the money in the stock market. > She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and > reinvests the remainder in a joint account. > > She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves > him so much. > Obviously, the man was impressed. > > The man thought for a long time about what each > woman had done with the money he'd given her. > > > > > Then he married the one with the biggest t!ts.
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded, and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish". The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormity of the undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it will take! It will nearly exhaust all the natural resources. It is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me". The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's thinking when she's silent? Why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how to make her truly happy". The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Moma that she has missed her period for 2 months . Very worried , the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit . The test result shows that the girl is pregnant .. Shouting , cursing , crying , the mother says ,
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch. When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New.." To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers." And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet." The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "VB." The head of XXXX smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke." The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head. "Well," he said with a shrug, "if you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
A dad is in a restaurant with his son. The son is demonstrating how he can catch a dollar coin with his mouth after flipping it in the air. Suddenly, he starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realises he has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the mall, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the mall. Reaching the young man, the woman carefully unzips his pants takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds he convulses violently and coughs up the dollar coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the lad, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?' 'No,' the woman replies,' I work for the Australian Taxation Office.'
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror . On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate thick shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
THE BLONDE WHO HUNTED ALLIGATORS: A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and Get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration...... Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,knocks, and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died.
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'' She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems. 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..! She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine ! Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.' Karen said, 'Exactly.
Dividing Pecan Nuts -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord... Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.... They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.. $5.00 says you will read this again!
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says,
