Federal Court Ruling from the Courier Mail Brisbane, Australia: A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.' So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.' And the blonde entered Heaven... * * * What's worse I bet you are now singing it to yourself!!!!!!
My new golf book ________________________________________ I have recently completed work on my latest book on golf. This book gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 20+ years of experience. Highlights*include: Chapter 1)** How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt Chapter 2)** How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough, when you just hit a Titleist from the Tee Chapter 3)** How to Get More distance off the Shank Chapter 4)** When to Give your opponent the Finger Chapter 5)** Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer before 9:00 a.m Chapter 6)** How to Find That Ball that everyone else saw go in the Water Chapter 7)** How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee Chapter 8)** How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee Chapter 9)* When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS
Funny but true :BangHead: obituary printed in the london times -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense , who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
they say satire is a great form to express a political opinion, and that a good joke has an element of truth... I truely hope this is not the case in some of the references above... specifically the points refering to teen pregnancy, and corporal punishment. Don't want to be a downer in the humour thread but... dangerous implications both. To lighten the mood, and stay on-topic... One close to my heart (lol... and I was born with cardiac defects) A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................ "Try doing it with the engine running." ______________________________________
State of Origin -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The New South Wales State of Origin Team have just returned from a trip to Zimbabwe where they visited an orphanage. "It was absolutely great to be able to meet such underprivileged people with little future and no hope in life", said Alfredo Mogomboi, aged six. I might need to move after this post :occasion14:
Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says, "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend". The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?" "A root ", Paddy replies.
As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look. "Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked. "I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours." He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone." "I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?" "You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better." Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.
An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. > Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted.. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question..' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' Now what the F*ck would you have said?
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.' I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........
The wife left a note on the fridge......... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!" I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold......... F*ck knows what she was on about!!
How many of these do you know???? ASKHOLE: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them :laugh:
A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try. ' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up. 'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'
[font=]An Australian Love Poem[/font] [font=]Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word[/font][font=] [/font][font=] So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin there to grab[/font][font=] [/font][font=] So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there[/font][font=] [/font][font=] No sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best[/font][font=] [/font][font=] I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it’s very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs[/font][font=] [/font][font=] I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get[/font] [font=] No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the cricket’s on And fetch another beer[/font]
some good 1 liners, bike style Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul. Four wheels good, two wheels better? Four wheels is transportation. Two wheels is an attitude. 200 mph with no hands. Damn that’d be cool right before the part where you die. Calling upon my years of experience, I froze at the controls. – Stirling Moss Most motorcycle problems are caused by the nut that connects the handlebars to the saddle. Warning: objects seen in mirror are disappearing rapidly Got a $5 head? Get a $5 helmet. Life may begin at 30, but it doesn’t get real interesting until about 150. If you’re going to lead, then lead. If you’re going to follow, get the hell out of my way! Faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death... You start the game with a full pot of luck and an empty pot of experience... The object is to fill the pot of experience before you empty the pot of luck. Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!” Never trade the thrills of living for the security of existence. A real leader’s attitude is: Who will be behind us this weekend? A zest for living must include a willingness to die. If you think you don’t need a helmet, you probably don’t. Racing is living, everything else is just waiting If you wait, all that happens is that you get older. Why are motorcycle dealers closed on Sundays? Because Sunday is for worship... Catholics go to church, Motorcyclists go to the track. Deals Gap: Home of the highway with 318 turns in 11 miles Saskatchewan: Home of the highway with 318 miles and 11 curves. Midnight bugs taste best. Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they can hold everything you need. Never argue with a woman holding a torque wrench. Never try to race an old geezer, he may have one more gear than you. Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground. Routine maintenance should never be neglected. It takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed. The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror. Never be afraid to slow down. Bikes don’t leak oil, they mark their territory. Don’t ride so late into the night that you sleep through the sunrise. Pie and coffee are as important as petrol. Sometimes it takes a whole tank of fuel before you can think straight. If you want to get a job, you may have to compromise your principals (you may even have to shave). Riding faster than everyone else only guarantees you’ll ride alone. Never hesitate to ride past the last street light at the edge of town. Never mistake horsepower for staying power. A good rider has balance, judgment, and good timing. So does a good lover. A cold hamburger can be reheated quite nicely by strapping it to an exhaust pipe and riding forty miles. Never do less than forty miles before breakfast. If you don’t ride in the rain, you don’t ride. A bike on the road is worth two in the shed. Respect the person who has seen the dark side of motorcycling and lived. Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go. A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it. Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night. Always back your bike into the curb, and sit where you can see it. Work to ride & ride to work. Whatever it is, it’s better in the wind. Two-lane blacktop isn’t a highway – it’s an attitude. When you look down the road, it seems to never end – but you better believe it does. A rider can smell a party 5,000 miles away. Winter is Nature’s way of telling you to polish. A motorcycle can’t sing on the streets of a city. Keep your bike in good repair: Motorcycle boots are NOT comfortable for walking. People are like Motorcycles: each is customized a bit differently. If the bike isn’t braking properly, you don’t start by rebuilding the engine. Remember to pay as much attention to your partner as you do your carburetor. Sometimes the best communication happens when you’re on separate bikes. Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck. Good coffee should be indistinguishable from 50 weight motor oil. The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome. Learn to do counter-intuitive things that may someday save your butt. The twisties, not the superslabs, separate the riders from the squids. When you’re riding lead, don’t spit. If you really want to know what’s going on, watch what’s happening at least five cars ahead. Don’t make a reputation you’ll have to live down or run away from later. If the person in the next lane at the stoplight rolls up the window and locks the door, support their view of bikers by snarling at them. A friend is someone who’ll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere to get you when you’re broken down. If she changes her oil more than she changes her mind follow her. Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt @ 70 mph can double your vocabulary. A real biker can identify a bug by their taste. If you want to get somewhere before sundown, you can’t stop at every tavern. There’s something ugly about a new bike on a trailer. Don’t lead the pack if you don’t know where you’re going. Sleep with one arm through the spokes and keep your pants on. Practice wrenching on your own bike. Some crash. Some get back on. Some don’t. Some can’t. Beware the rider who says his bike never breaks down. 2 bikes are useful because at least one can be raided for parts at any given time. Don’t argue with an 18-wheeler. Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit. Maintenance is as much art as it is science. A good long ride can clear your mind, restore your faith, and use up a lot of fuel. If you can’t get it going with bungee cords and electrician’s tape, it’s serious. If you ride like there’s no tomorrow, there won’t be. Bikes parked out front mean good chicken-fried steak inside. Gray-haired riders don’t get that way from pure luck. There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders. Thin leather looks good in the bar, but it won’t save your butt from road rash if you go down. The best modifications cannot be seen from the outside. Always replace the cheapest parts first. You can forget what you do for a living when your knees are in the breeze. No matter what marquee you ride, it’s all the same wind. Patience is the ability to keep your motor idling. Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window. There are those who have crashed and there is those that will crash. If you ride for the rush, don’t rush for the ride. Keep the paint up, and the rubber down and your right hand cranked! There are two types of people in this world, people who ride motorcycles and people who wish they could ride motorcycles. Never ride faster than your guardian angel can fly It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end. I'd rather be riding my motorcycle thinking about God than sitting in church thinking about my motorcycle I don't want a pickle, I just want ride on my motorsickle. I don't want to die, I just want a ride on my motorcy.........cle. Arlo Guthrie Ride as if your life depended on it! Learning to ride at 50 is better than never learning to ride at all!
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great.....that's just great..........some a$$hole's got my pen!'
The results are out,,,, the average male Australian walks about 1448 kilometres a year,,,,, The average male Aussie drinks about 120 litres of beer a year SO,,,In conclusion the average Aussie is getting roughly 12 litres per 100 km's
