Friday Funnies

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

 

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly.  "Last year we shot six.  The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

Claude the Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the local Senior Citizens Centre, and Claude the hypnotist explained:
"I'm here to put you all into a trance.I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his waistcoat pocket.
"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
 
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.  A hundred pairs of ancient eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into myriad pieces.
"S H I T  !" said Claude the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre – and Claude was never invited back.

 

A Yank walks into a bar where an Aussie is enjoying a drink. The Yank walks past and hits the Aussie in the side of the neck, knocking him to the ground. "that's a judo chop from Korea."
  The Aussie gets back up and keeps enjoying his drink and a little while later the Yank gets back up to go to the toilet. He walks pa...st and hits the Aussie on the other side of the neck. "that's a karate chop from Japan."
  The Aussie decided his had enough of this **** and walks out. Half an hour later he returns and hits the Yank in the back of the neck, knocking him out. He turns to the bartender and says "When he wakes up tell him that's a ******* crowbar from bunnings!"

 

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that pensioners are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.


So, the lawyer asks if the pensioner would like to play a fun game.

The pensioner is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he  politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the pensioner's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The pensioner doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-Dollar note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the pensioner's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the pensioner and hands him $500.00. The pensioner pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the pensioner up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The pensioner reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR
A little  Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down  and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little  Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"
The  Irishman says:
"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jees.........I thought you said,"Turn around!"

 

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,鈥?I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said.. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 

Young people have theirs,now Seniors have their own texting codes:* 

ATD- At the Doctor's* 
BFF - Best Friends Funeral* 
BTW- Bring the Wheelchair* 
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth* 
CBM- Covered by Medicare* 
CUATSC- See You at the Senior Centre* 
DWI- Driving While Incontinent* 
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was*
GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low* 
GHA - Got Heartburn Again* 
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out* 
LOL- Living on Lipitor* 
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas* 
TOT- Texting on Toilet* 
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To

Hope these help.

 

Crow Mortality-rate Study

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna South Australia., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.    A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.  The State hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.  The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set up another crow as a lookout in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

 

The Italian Mistress
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.